10.1: Relationships
Social wellness is just one of the dimensions of wellness that impact our overall health and well-being. Maintaining healthy relationships, enjoying being with others, developing friendships and intimate relations, caring about others, letting others care about you, and contributing to your community are all important aspects of developing your social wellness. A meta-analysis of 148 studies indicated that people with adequate social relationships had a reduction in risk of mortality comparable to quitting smoking [1] and social relationships have also been shown to prevent and even cure some diseases [2] , thus it is well documented that strong social relationships extend life and improve health.
Types of Relationships and Love
It is challenging to define what love is and the varying types of love and relationships we have throughout our life. A Psychologist named Robert Sternberg has spent is career researching love and developing theories that help increase our understanding of love and relationships.
Triangular Theory of Love
In the 1980’s, Sternberg developed the Triangular Theory of Love [3] which describes different types of love and relationships based on a combination of three components (ingredients): passion, intimacy, and commitment. Years later Sternberg developed the Theory of Love as a Story, which focuses on how a persons beliefs and conceptions about relationships impact the type and success of their relationships. Most recently, Sternberg has blended the two theories into one theory now known as Sternberg’s Love-Match Theory.
Sternberg uses intimacy, passion, and commitment to describe different types of love, with each type of love including varying degrees of intimacy, passion, and commitment. The goal for a long term happy relationship is to have a high level of all three components.
- Intimacy refers to feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bondedness. Feeling warmth, feeling comfortable to be open an honest, feeling that you are valued and safe, and feeling that you can count on the person.
- Passion typically refers to the drives that lead to romance, physical attraction, or sexual fulfillment. However, passion can also refer to intense feelings of care, such as not being able to live without the person, which could be a passionate need to ensure someone is safe and healthy, like a child or family member.
- Commitment is not a feeling, but rather a decision you choose to make throughout your relationship. It is the decision to love a certain person, and in the long-term, to one’s commitment to maintain that love.
| Type of Love | Intimacy | Passion | Commitment |
| Non-Love | No | No | No |
| Friendship | Yes | No | No |
| Infatuation | No | Yes | No |
| Empty Love | No | No | Yes |
| Romantic Love | Yes | Yes | No |
| Companionate Love | Yes | No | Yes |
| Fatuous Love | No | Yes | Yes |
| Consummate Love | Yes | Yes | Yes |
The Triangular Theory of Love can be helpful for evaluating relationships by understanding how love changes based on varying levels of intimacy, passion, and commitment. Couples can better understand their love and avoid challenges in their relationship by working on the areas that need improvement. For example, a married couple who once had high levels of intimacy, passion, and commitment might find that their level of passion has lowered over the years and may choose to focus on bringing passion back to their relationship to support their love. Or, a couple who has romantic love with high levels of intimacy and passion may make the decision to be committed to one another and reach full consummate love.
Review the types of love in Table 10.1. Identify people in your life or in your past who you would associate with each type of love.
Think about a relationship you’ve been in…
- How has the type of love changed over time?
- How might you use the varying levels of passion, intimacy, and commitment to identify areas of a relationship that may need work?
Theory of Love as a Story
Although the Triangular Theory of Love provides a helpful structure for understanding varying types of love, it does not account for a persons belief in what love is or should be. Sternberg’s Theory of Love as a Story focuses on recognizing and understanding a persons “love story” and how that story impacts their relationships. By understanding our story and the story of potential partners we can better understand the expectations for the relationship.
A persons love story is unconsciously developed throughout their life by the relationships they see in real life as well as through media. Your love story helps to explain what you are seeking in loving relationships and how that relationship fulfills your needs and wants. Although there are infinite story possibilities, based on years of research Sternberg identified 26 types of love stories including the garden story, business story, sewing story, horror story, sacrifice story, art story, and game story [4] [5] .
Each type of story describes the relationship dynamics that are commonly at play. For example, those with a Business Story of relationships view the relationship as a business proposition or transaction and are looking for a business partner who will keep life organizes and focused on important things like the economy, money, and social status. However, persons with a Garden Story of relationships view the relationship as something that will is successful as long as you take care of it and nurture it to grow strong, so for these persons it is important to take care of each other and take care of their relationship.
Research indicates that similar or complementary love stories lead to more successful relationships; Similar love stories mean each person is bringing similar expectations to the relationship. With this understanding, it may be helpful to more fully understand your own love story and also to recognize and understand the love story of your partner. Once we recognize and understand our own love story, we can begin to ask ourselves if we like the story, if the story has been working for us, or if we would like to change our story.
Sternberg describes 26 types of love stories and explains that we see these love stories in various media throughout our lives.
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Review the 26 types of love stories
and try to associate a type of love story with a relationship as depicted in a movie you’ve watched or a book you’ve read.
- In what ways were you able to identify the type of love story each person brought to the relationship?
- Did both people in the relationship bring a similar love story to the relationship?
- Were you able to identify relationships where two people brought different love stories, or expectations, to the relationship? Did it cause a conflict?
We know relationships are important to our health and well-being, however not all relationships are good for us. It is important to understand the signs and characteristics of healthy and unhealthy relationships.
In a healthy relationships, the couples believe in non-violent conflict resolution, where they can talking honestly, can agree to disagree, and make decisions and compromises together. They communicate effectively ensuring they are listening to each other without judgement and communicate respectfully showing each person is valued and loved. They recognize that each person is a unique individual and respect their right to autonomy to able to enjoy time apart with friends and activities they enjoy. Their relationship is based on trust which allows them to feel comfortable being themselves and feel unconditionally supported. Lastly, they have fun together and have more good times than bad.
Unhealthy relationships might include a focus on only one person while disregarding the other. One or both of the people in the relationship might drop friends and family or activities they enjoy. They might feel pressured or controlled in the relationship or often feeling sad, scared, or lonely when together. When a relationship has more bad times than good times, this can be a sign that the relationship is unhealthy.
| Healthy Relationships | Unhealthy Relationships |
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Communication
Being able to effectively communicate is an important skill for successful relationships.
Three keys to Effective Communication are:
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Be an active listener
- Actively listening means listening without judging and with an openness to want to understand what you are hearing.
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Communicate clearly
- When developing either written or verbal communication it is important to take into consideration your audience, their cultures, and their experiences. Communication takes many skills, it is not just about listening and speaking, but also takes into consideration your thoughts and feelings throughout the exchange and how the setting or type of communication impacts the message. When communicating verbally or through written text it is important to ensure your communication is clear and not too complex or lengthy.
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Understand body language
- Non-verbal clues play a large role in the communication process. Non-verbal feedback may be positive such as nodding the head, maintaining eye contact, and leaning in. Non-verbal feedback can also seem to show you are uninterested, such as looking away, turning the body away, or rolling eyes.
“I” Statements vs. “You” Statements
“I” statements can help you focus on and be clear about your own thoughts and feelings, and what it is that you want or need. They may also involve an acknowledgement of the thoughts/feelings/goals of the other person.
The real focus in “I” statements is on the “I feel,” “I want,” or “I think” part of the statement. Identifying your thoughts, feelings, needs, and wants related to a situation will help you to avoid blaming someone else or getting caught up in the emotion of the moment.
“You” statements, on the other hand, tend to place blame or criticize the other person. This typically puts the other person on the defensive, and does not encourage open communication.
For example, saying “I feel worried when you are running late to meet me for dinner and don’t call to let me know” (I statement) vs. “You are always running late, and never bother to let me know” (You statement) will likely result in two very different reactions and conversations! The first statement simply expresses how the person is feeling, whereas the second statement sets a critical and accusatory tone.
Be Assertive
Assertiveness is an honest and appropriate expression of your feelings, thoughts, wants and needs. Acting in an assertive way helps you to stand up for your rights in a respectful manner. It is a way to communicate what you believe, what you want and need, and what is important to you. Assertiveness can sometimes be compared to, or confused with, being aggressive, however aggressive behavior often means standing up for yourself in ways that violate the rights of others and can be demanding, hostile, and blaming.
People often associate the concept of assertiveness with standing up for your rights when you feel that someone has taken advantage of you in a negative way. However, it is also important to recognize that being more assertive can help you to communicate in a positive way in your relationships, which helps to promote mutual respect. Non-Assertive behavior is often submissive, inhibited, passive, and self-denying.
Assertiveness can help you:
- speak up when you have a question or concern,
- say “no” when you don’t want to do something, and
- express thoughts or feelings
Communicating assertively does not guarantee that you will get what you want or need. However, you will have the satisfaction of expressing yourself in a positive, self-advocating way. You will probably feel better about yourself and your communication with others. And, you will increase the probability of getting what you need or want, while also respecting the wants or needs of others.
What keeps people from speaking up in an assertive way?
- Not being clear about what they want and need
- Fear of displeasing others and of not being liked
- Not believing they have the right to be assertive
- Lacking the skills to effectively express themselves
To become more skilled in communicating assertively it is important to practice. You won’t learn how to become a more assertive person just by reading one book or attending one workshop. You can practice with your friends and family. Let them know what you are doing first! Ask for help/feedback on how you’re doing.
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Start Gradually
- In the beginning, don’t try changing your behavior in the most complex or difficult situations. Practice first in the least risky ones.
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Some examples of starting gradually include:
- Returning a purchased item (that you are not satisfied with) to a store for a refund
- Asking your partner/roommate/kids to help empty the dishwasher or take out the garbage
- Suggesting a movie that you would like to watch for an upcoming movie night
- If you start small to enhance your chances of success, you will experience how it feels to express yourself assertively and it will be easier to move onto more challenging situations.
- Keep in mind that no one can read your mind– focus on expressing and communicating what is important to you.