10.1: Relationships

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Dec 4, 2024
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Relationships

Social wellness is just one of the dimensions of wellness that impact our overall health and well-being. Maintaining healthy relationships, enjoying being with others, developing friendships and intimate relations, caring about others, letting others care about you, and contributing to your community are all important aspects of developing your social wellness. A meta-analysis of 148 studies indicated that people with adequate social relationships had a reduction in risk of mortality comparable to quitting smoking^[1] and social relationships have also been shown to prevent and even cure some diseases^[2], thus it is well-documented that strong social relationships extend life and improve health.

Types of Relationships and Love

It is challenging to define what love is and the varying types of love and relationships we have throughout our life. A Psychologist named Robert Sternberg has spent his career researching love and developing theories that help increase our understanding of love and relationships.

Triangular Theory of Love

In the 1980s, Sternberg developed the Triangular Theory of Love^[3] which describes different types of love and relationships based on a combination of three components (ingredients): passion, intimacy, and commitment. Years later Sternberg developed the Theory of Love as a Story, which focuses on how a person's beliefs and conceptions about relationships impact the type and success of their relationships. Most recently, Sternberg has blended the two theories into one theory now known as Sternberg’s Love-Match Theory.

triangle with intimacy, passion, and love at each corner. — *Figure* $\PageIndex{1}$ *: The Triangular Theory of Love*

Sternberg uses intimacy, passion, and commitment to describe different types of love, with each type of love including varying degrees of intimacy, passion, and commitment. The goal for a long-term happy relationship is to have a high level of all three components.

Intimacy refers to feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bondedness. Feeling warmth, feeling comfortable to be open and honest, feeling that you are valued and safe, and feeling that you can count on the person.
Passion typically refers to the drives that lead to romance, physical attraction, or sexual fulfillment. However, passion can also refer to intense feelings of care, such as not being able to live without the person, which could be a passionate need to ensure someone is safe and healthy, like a child or family member.
Commitment is not a feeling, but rather a decision you choose to make throughout your relationship. It is the decision to love a certain person, and in the long-term, to one’s commitment to maintain that love.

Table $\PageIndex{1}$ : Types of Love and Relationships Based on Levels of Intimacy, Passion, and Commitment
Type of Love	Intimacy	Passion	Commitment
Non-Love	No	No	No
Friendship	Yes	No	No
Infatuation	No	Yes	No
Empty Love	No	No	Yes
Romantic Love	Yes	Yes	No
Companionate Love	Yes	No	Yes
Fatuous Love	No	Yes	Yes
Consummate Love	Yes	Yes	Yes

The Triangular Theory of Love can help evaluate relationships by understanding how love changes based on varying levels of intimacy, passion, and commitment. Couples can better understand their love and avoid challenges in their relationship by working on the areas that need improvement. For example, a married couple who once had high levels of intimacy, passion, and commitment might find that their level of passion has lowered over the years and may choose to focus on bringing passion back to their relationship to support their love. Or, a couple who has romantic love with high levels of intimacy and passion may decide to commit to one another and reach full consummate love.

Theory of Love as a Story

Although the Triangular Theory of Love provides a helpful structure for understanding varying types of love, it does not account for a person's belief in what love is or should be. Sternberg’s Theory of Love as a Story focuses on recognizing and understanding a person's “love story” and how that story impacts their relationships. By understanding our story and the story of potential partners we can better understand the expectations for the relationship.

A person's love story is unconsciously developed throughout their life by the relationships they see in real life as well as through media. Your love story helps to explain what you are seeking in loving relationships and how that relationship fulfills your needs and wants. Although there are infinite story possibilities, based on years of research Sternberg identified 26 types of love stories including the garden story, business story, sewing story, horror story, sacrifice story, art story, and game story ^[4]^[5].

Each type of story describes the relationship dynamics that are commonly at play. For example, those with a Business Story of relationships view the relationship as a business proposition or transaction and are looking for a business partner who will keep life organized and focused on important things like the economy, money, and social status. However, persons with a Garden Story of relationships view the relationship as something that will be successful as long as you take care of it and nurture it to grow strong, so for these persons, it is important to take care of each other and take care of their relationship.

Research indicates that similar or complementary love stories lead to more successful relationships; Similar love stories mean each person is bringing similar expectations to the relationship. With this understanding, it may be helpful to more fully understand your own love story and also to recognize and understand the love story of your partner. Once we recognize and understand our own love story, we can begin to ask ourselves if we like the story, if the story has been working for us, or if we would like to change our story.

Healthy vs. Unhealthy Relationships

We know relationships are important to our health and well-being, however not all relationships are good for us. It is important to understand the signs and characteristics of healthy and unhealthy relationships.

In a healthy relationship, the couples believe in non-violent conflict resolution, where they can talk honestly, agree to disagree, and make decisions and compromises together. They communicate effectively ensuring they are listening to each other without judgment and communicate respectfully showing each person is valued and loved. They recognize that each person is a unique individual and respect their right to autonomy to be able to enjoy time apart with friends and activities they enjoy. Their relationship is based on trust which allows them to feel comfortable being themselves and feel unconditionally supported. Lastly, they have fun together and have more good times than bad.

Unhealthy relationships might include a focus on only one person while disregarding the other. One or both of the people in the relationship might drop friends and family or activities they enjoy. They might feel pressured or controlled in the relationship or often feel sad, scared, or lonely when together. When a relationship has more bad times than good times, this can be a sign that the relationship is unhealthy.

Table $\PageIndex{2}$ : Characteristics of Healthy and Unhealthy Relationships^[6]
Healthy Relationships	Unhealthy Relationships
Mutual respect. Respect means that each person values who the other is and understands the other person’s boundaries. Trust. Partners should place trust in each other and give each other the benefit of the doubt. Honesty. Honesty builds trust and strengthens the relationship. Compromise. In a dating relationship, each partner does not always get his or her way. Each should acknowledge different points of view and be willing to give and take. Individuality. Neither partner should have to compromise who he/she is, and his/her identity should not be based on a partner’s. Each should continue seeing his or her friends and doing the things he/she loves. Each should be supportive of his/her partner wanting to pursue new hobbies or make new friends. Good communication. Each partner should speak honestly and openly to avoid miscommunication. If one person needs to sort out his or her feelings first, the other partner should respect those wishes and wait until he or she is ready to talk. Anger control. We all get angry, but how we express it can affect our relationships with others. Anger can be handled in healthy ways such as taking a deep breath, counting to ten, or talking it out. Fighting fair. Everyone argues at some point, but those who are fair, stick to the subject, and avoid insults are more likely to come up with a possible solution. Partners should take a short break away from each other if the discussion gets too heated. Problem solving. Dating partners can learn to solve problems and identify new solutions by breaking a problem into small parts or by talking through the situation. Understanding. Each partner should take time to understand what the other might be feeling. Self-confidence. When dating partners have confidence in themselves, it can help their relationships with others. It shows that they are calm and comfortable enough to allow others to express their opinions without forcing their own opinions on them. Being a role model. By embodying what respect means, partners can inspire each other, friends, and family to also behave in a respectful way. Healthy sexual relationship. Dating partners engage in a sexual relationship that both are comfortable with, and neither partner feels pressured or forced to engage in sexual activity that is outside his or her comfort zone or without consent.	Control. One dating partner makes all the decisions and tells the other what to do, what to wear, or who to spend time with. He or she is unreasonably jealous, and/or tries to isolate the other partner from his or her friends and family. Hostility. One dating partner picks a fight with or antagonizes the other dating partner. This may lead to one dating partner changing his or her behavior in order to avoid upsetting the other. Dishonesty. One dating partner lies to or keeps information from the other. One dating partner steals from the other. Disrespect. One dating partner makes fun of the opinions and interests of the other partner or destroys something that belongs to the partner. Dependence. One dating partner feels that he or she “cannot live without” the other. He or she may threaten to do something drastic if the relationship ends. Intimidation. One dating partner tries to control aspects of the other’s life by making the other partner fearful or timid. One dating partner may attempt to keep his or her partner from friends and family or threaten violence or a break-up. Physical violence. One partner uses force to get his or her way (such as hitting, slapping, grabbing, or shoving). Sexual violence. One dating partner pressures or forces the other into sexual activity against his or her will or without consent.

Communication

Being able to effectively communicate is an important skill for successful relationships.

Three keys to Effective Communication are:

Be an active listener
- Actively listening means listening without judging and with an openness to want to understand what you are hearing.
Communicate clearly
- When developing either written or verbal communication it is important to take into consideration your audience, their cultures, and their experiences. Communication takes many skills, it is not just about listening and speaking, but also takes into consideration your thoughts and feelings throughout the exchange and how the setting or type of communication impacts the message. When communicating verbally or through written text it is important to ensure your communication is clear and not too complex or lengthy.

Understand body language
- Non-verbal clues play a large role in the communication process. Non-verbal feedback may be positive such as nodding the head, maintaining eye contact, and leaning in. Non-verbal feedback can also seem to show you are uninterested, such as looking away, turning the body away, or rolling eyes.

“I” Statements vs. “You” Statements

“I” statements can help you focus on and be clear about your own thoughts and feelings, and what it is that you want or need. They may also involve an acknowledgement of the thoughts/feelings/goals of the other person.

The real focus in “I” statements is on the “I feel,” “I want,” or “I think” part of the statement. Identifying your thoughts, feelings, needs, and wants related to a situation will help you to avoid blaming someone else or getting caught up in the emotion of the moment.

“You” statements, on the other hand, tend to place blame or criticize the other person. This typically puts the other person on the defensive, and does not encourage open communication.

For example, saying “I feel worried when you are running late to meet me for dinner and don’t call to let me know” (I statement) vs. “You are always running late, and never bother to let me know” (You statement) will likely result in two very different reactions and conversations! The first statement simply expresses how the person is feeling, whereas the second statement sets a critical and accusatory tone.

Be Assertive

Assertiveness is an honest and appropriate expression of your feelings, thoughts, wants and needs. Acting in an assertive way helps you to stand up for your rights in a respectful manner. It is a way to communicate what you believe, what you want and need, and what is important to you. Assertiveness can sometimes be compared to, or confused with, being aggressive, however aggressive behavior often means standing up for yourself in ways that violate the rights of others and can be demanding, hostile, and blaming.

People often associate the concept of assertiveness with standing up for your rights when you feel that someone has taken advantage of you in a negative way. However, it is also important to recognize that being more assertive can help you to communicate in a positive way in your relationships, which helps to promote mutual respect. Non-assertive behavior is often submissive, inhibited, passive, and self-denying.

Assertiveness can help you:

speak up when you have a question or concern,
say “no” when you don’t want to do something, and
express thoughts or feelings

Communicating assertively does not guarantee that you will get what you want or need. However, you will have the satisfaction of expressing yourself in a positive, self-advocating way. You will probably feel better about yourself and your communication with others. And, you will increase the probability of getting what you need or want, while also respecting the wants or needs of others.

What keeps people from speaking up in an assertive way?

Not being clear about what they want and need
Fear of displeasing others and of not being liked
Not believing they have the right to be assertive
Lacking the skills to effectively express themselves

To become more skilled in communicating assertively it is important to practice. You won’t learn how to become a more assertive person just by reading one book or attending one workshop. You can practice with your friends and family. Let them know what you are doing first! Ask for help/feedback on how you’re doing.

Start Gradually
- In the beginning, don’t try changing your behavior in the most complex or difficult situations. Practice first in the least risky ones.
- Some examples of starting gradually include:
  - Returning a purchased item (that you are not satisfied with) to a store for a refund
  - Asking your partner/roommate/kids to help empty the dishwasher or take out the garbage
  - Suggesting a movie that you would like to watch for an upcoming movie night
- If you start small to enhance your chances of success, you will experience how it feels to express yourself assertively and it will be easier to move onto more challenging situations.
Keep in mind that no one can read your mind– focus on expressing and communicating what is important to you.

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Triangular Theory of Love

Theory of Love as a Story

“I” Statements vs. “You” Statements

Be Assertive

Relationships

Types of Relationships and Love

Triangular Theory of Love

Theory of Love as a Story

Communication

“I” Statements vs. “You” Statements

Be Assertive

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